Obvious Humor

Changes to Newspapers

Dave Barry

Dave Barry


On behalf of the newspaper industry, I wish to announce some changes we’re making to serve you better.

When I say “serve you better,” I mean “increase our profits.”

We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

We’re a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.

—–Dave Barry (former English Major)

Choosing the Right Path

Woody Allen

Woody Allen

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.

One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction.

Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”


—Woody Allen
(from Side Effects, 1980, “My Speech to the Graduates”)

True Humility

Tom Lehrer

Tom Lehrer

“It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.”


Tom Lehrer (at age 37)

Thought for the Day

Ann Landers

Ann Landers

“One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you’re the one.”


–Ann Landers

Lost In Translation

Mark Twain

Mark Twain

“In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language”.


–Mark Twain

Dave Barry vs. the Metric System

Dave Barry

Dave Barry

“The weightlifting competition I saw was the women’s 63 kg class.

I’m not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63 kg or the weights they lifted weighed 63 kg.

Or possibly the temperature in the weightlifting hall was 63 kg.

There’s no way to know for sure without finding out what a “kg” is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won.”


–Dave Barry

Writing

Steve Martin

Steve Martin

“I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.”


–Steve Martin

What?

George Carlin

George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”


—George Carlin

Carlin on Driving

George Carlin

George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”


–George Carlin

Why You NEED Your Computer

Dave Barry

Dave Barry

“To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.”


–Dave Barry

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