Business

Truer Words Were Never Spoken

Ann Landers

Ann Landers

“Keep in mind that the true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.”


–Ann Landers

Autobiographies

Will Rogers

Will Rogers

“When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that’s Memoirs.”


–Will Rogers

Keys to Success

Mark Twain

Mark Twain

“To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.”


–Mark Twain

Changes to Newspapers

Dave Barry

Dave Barry


On behalf of the newspaper industry, I wish to announce some changes we’re making to serve you better.

When I say “serve you better,” I mean “increase our profits.”

We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

We’re a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.

—–Dave Barry (former English Major)

Choosing the Right Path

Woody Allen

Woody Allen

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.

One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction.

Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”


—Woody Allen
(from Side Effects, 1980, “My Speech to the Graduates”)

True Humility

Tom Lehrer

Tom Lehrer

“It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.”


Tom Lehrer (at age 37)

Optimists and Pessimists

J. Robert Oppenheimer

J. Robert Oppenheimer

“The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.”


—–J. Robert Oppenheimer

Language Conceals the Truth

George Carlin

George Carlin

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”


–George Carlin

Will Rogers’ Keys to Success

Will Rogers

Will Rogers

“If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.”


–Will Rogers

Thought for the Day

Ann Landers

Ann Landers

“One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you’re the one.”


–Ann Landers

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